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Post by Nathan deGargoyle on Aug 18, 2006 13:11:03 GMT
So, If I were an evil emperor...
1.My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2.My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3.My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4.Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5.The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. Itwill be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6.I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7.When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
8.After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9.I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
10.I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11.I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12.One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13.All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14.The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15.I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
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Post by Nathan deGargoyle on Aug 18, 2006 13:11:37 GMT
16.I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17.When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18.I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19.I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20.Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21.I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22.No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23.I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24.I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25.No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26.No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27.I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28.My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29.I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
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Post by Nathan deGargoyle on Aug 18, 2006 13:12:15 GMT
30.All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31.All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32.I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33.I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34.I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35.I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36.I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37.If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a
battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38.If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring
anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of
waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me
in my old age.
39.If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at
the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite
number among his army.
40.I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable
superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of
keeping it in reserve.
41.Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel
devices.
42.When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey,
ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying
ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43.I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the
beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good
looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my
plans.
44.I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work
for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds
to give the other guy a sporting chance.
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Post by Nathan deGargoyle on Aug 18, 2006 13:12:54 GMT
45.I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible
for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will
not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for
failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46.If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one
man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
47.If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I
will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for
him to mature.
48.I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology
with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will
not immediately come after me for revenge.
49.If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me,
I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them
out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local
paper.
50.My main computers will have their own special operating system that
will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh
powerbooks.
51.If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the
conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer
him to a less people-oriented position.
52.I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to
examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned
tunnels that I might not know about.
53.If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry
you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill
her.
54.I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to
double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55.The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place
in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important
covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if
there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56.My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who
cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for
target practice.
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Post by Nathan deGargoyle on Aug 18, 2006 13:13:17 GMT
57.Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will
carefully read the owner's manual.
58.If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose
dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59.I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60.My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any
code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds,
it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61.If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad
scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies
them.
62.I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding
structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63.Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And
they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going
through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64.I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely
unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a
disadvantage.
65.If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals,
the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as
the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The
actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66.My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone
who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for
fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence
will trigger the alarm system.
67.No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be
instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a
full-scale emergency.
68.I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This
is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer
is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd
better save my life again.
69.All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be
delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in
foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of
the wild.
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Post by Nathan deGargoyle on Aug 18, 2006 13:13:47 GMT
70.When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always
travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of
them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately
initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering
around a corner.
71.If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should
be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen
standing by in case the answer is no.
72.If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and
begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of
using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
73.I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged
contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to
win.
74.When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that
my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not
label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75.I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse,
instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack
one or two at a time.
76.If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and
struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also
not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge
over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77.If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the
chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough
sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot
before making the offer.
78.I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!"
The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably
practical."
79.If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon
as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into
limited-edition commemorative coins.
80.If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my
best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as
he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81.If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have
disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me
and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning
around to find out what he saw.
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Post by Nathan deGargoyle on Aug 18, 2006 13:14:14 GMT
82.I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front
of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83.If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then
have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both
of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84.I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the
opposite sex.
85.I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly
complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then
activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will
be more along the lines of "Push the button."
86.I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly
grounded.
87.My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also,
I will not construct walkways above them.
88.If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate
them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task
again.
89.After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately
disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds
the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I
took it from him.
90.I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is
facing away from the door.
91.I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and
obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment
is finished. It might actually be important.
92.If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him.
Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight
on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few
months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of
righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93.If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling
who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled
to go first.
94.When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and
grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95.My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with
bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells
the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead
of opening up the cell for a look.
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Post by Nathan deGargoyle on Aug 18, 2006 13:14:46 GMT
96.My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control
panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on
the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97.My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain
reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
98.If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully
monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I
will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together
against their will and they spend all their time bickering and
criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when
they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of
sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99.Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100.Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless
trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
101.I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
102.I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident
-- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe
it.
103.I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy";
I simply choose not show them any.
104.My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as
members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military
boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
105.I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted
to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
106.If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately
flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from
there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to
attempt this.
107.Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I
will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough
that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good
structural reason.
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Post by Nathan deGargoyle on Aug 18, 2006 13:15:10 GMT
108.Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect
a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self
sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
109.I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes
and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument
in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the
secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the
citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.
110.I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party
getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
111.I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or
being executed.
112.I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be
neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans.
113.I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While
elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they
are hard to close quickly in an emergency.
114.I will never accept a challenge from the hero.
115.I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are
dead.
116.If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay
with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of
explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.
117.No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling
"Leave him. He's mine!"
118.If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will
not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally
falling on when fatally wounded.
119.I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature
in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy
henchmen instead.
120.Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with
basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire
one more shot than the standard issue.
121.If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by
the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.
122.The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they
may direct fire inward or at each other.
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Post by Nathan deGargoyle on Aug 18, 2006 13:15:38 GMT
123.If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public,
contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave
their beards before entering.
124.Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work
for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has
neither a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk anything
to get him back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field but
had a falling-out with his father many years ago.
125.Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate
escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls
converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior
to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or
monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's
demise.
126.Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can
easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to
throw him off track.
127.Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety
of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty.
The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any
other source will result in execution.
128.I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any
possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs
are externally mounted and easily removable.
129.Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight
each other in the arena.
130.All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally
tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals
the uniform, the poor fit will give him away.
131.I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.
132.Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct
a thorough background investigation and security clearance.
133.If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been
associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but
new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next
one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.
134.If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a
small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along
side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb
aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me.
(A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)
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Post by Nathan deGargoyle on Aug 18, 2006 13:16:08 GMT
135.My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device
called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the
last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will
include a back-up device known as a battery.)
136.If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it
has to be deactivated and make every wire red.
137.Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches,
or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if
there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra
budget.
138.The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with
fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost,
but my security patrols will be more effective.
139.If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate,
then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts
anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage,
I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)
140.I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty
to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the
prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the
chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the
lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a
souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no
threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.
141.As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of
children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a
real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts
to win the hero.
142.If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my
three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters
to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary
to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation
of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever
and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like
crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend
quality time with the grandkids.
143.If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly
defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national
holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This
will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I
am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are
holding a parade in his honor.
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Post by Nathan deGargoyle on Aug 18, 2006 13:16:43 GMT
144.I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the
hero so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other.
Also, I will order some to aim above, below, and to the sides so he
cannot jump out of the way.
145.My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they
add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and
a lot of prisoners know Morse code.
146.If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships
found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately
vaporized instead of brought in for salvage.
147.I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted,
trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be
awarded posthumously.
148.Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop
me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the
schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work.
149.Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open
windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of
the ceiling.
150.I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and
strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not
limited to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet".
151.I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is
reserved for my trusted lieutenant.
152.I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to
accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with every outfit.
153.My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer.
Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep
in mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles.
154.I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In
particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts,
"Quick! They went that way!", they must first ascertain the identity of
this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit.
155.If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any
circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends.
156.If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my
Superweapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are
available.
157.Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll
post-date the completion 3 days after it's actually scheduled to occur
and not worry too much if they get stolen.
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Post by Pink Betty on Aug 18, 2006 13:25:20 GMT
AAAGGGGGHHHHHH! I'll read it come the end of tourist season Gargs  |
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Post by E.D. Wivens on Aug 18, 2006 13:27:28 GMT
Evil and clever. That’s not fair, surely?
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Post by Pink Betty on Aug 18, 2006 13:28:18 GMT
are you au fait with the art of the precis Wivens?
If so,
Would you mind!
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